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by J. Kent Hastings, [July 3, 2008]




[]  Late last night I took a break from some web work I was doing and decided to go out for dinner. I was planning a simple trip through a drive-thru, but because July 1st was a few minutes away with a new "hands free" law taking effect, I left my old illegal cell phone behind.

Looking at my "land yacht" Crown Vic, I decided to forego paying Southern California gas prices. (Where's the $20 a barrel we were promised by Fox News for bombing Iraq?)

So instead I walked down the hill to buy groceries from the late night shopping center -- without my cell phone.

Guess what happened next?

On the way back up the hill, I'm toting my items and listening to my iPod when three black male youths approached from the other direction. They were likely teenagers or perhaps early twenties, but it was hard to tell in the low light.

They proceeded to punch me and say things like "What you got there?" and "Give us everything or we'll kill you!" and "I've got a gun."

Like others who have had similar encounters recently, I gladly chose to die rather than even consider giving those punks my iPod, not to mention my wallet which would just lead them to my home.

So I started yelling, tried running, and succeeded in crawling out into the middle of the street. Turns out none of them had a gun, a knife, or anything except numerical superiority, being less than half my age, and in better shape. Maybe a pirate's life isn't as carefree as the movies say.

The thugs gave up on me despite getting nothing. Then they attacked another guy who was was walking down the hill from behind them, and I hailed a passing civilian car (notice the lack of cops? and thanks for making me leave my phone behind you fucking pigs) and pointed at the new assault in progress. The thugs took notice of the attention and left the other guy alone. They got in a car and left. Couldn't see the plate.

They could afford gas? By rights, I should've robbed them.



So let's recap this incident. Cops not only disarmed the honest citizens with concealed weapons restrictions, but made only new-fangled BS "hands-free" cell phones legal.

So nobody was even able to call 911 during the attacks and I sure as Hell didn't want to deal with cops after muggers I couldn't describe clearly drove off in a small, otherwise nondescript car, with an unreadable plate.

Also, I won't be walking to that local shopping center in the future. Kiss those sales taxes good-bye, government a-holes. California can't fall into the ocean soon enough. Oh yeah, and you "thin blue line" idiots? Just let me carry a gun and piss off.

Copyright © 2008 by J. Kent Hastings


J. Kent Hastings is co-author (with Brad Linaweaver) of Anarquia, an alternate history of the Spanish Civil War.

He edited the action-comedy film, Lady Magdalene's.


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