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by Mimi Brickmeyer, staff writer [December 6, 2001]




[]  At this festive time of year, the editors of the Hollywood Investigator -- America's favorite family newspaper! -- have convened a blue ribbon panel of leading film experts and movie critics to create -- exclusively for our vastly huge family of readers! -- this yuletide list of holiday heart-warmers and Christmas classics!

So break out the popcorn America! -- Fire up the VCR! -- And enjoy these cinematic stocking stuffers!


Christmas Evil  (1980, aka Terror in Toyland, You Better Watch Out)

A warm, family film about a foreman in the Jolly Dream Toy Factory who understands the true meaning of Christmas. Understandably upset by the crass commercialism he sees everywhere, he dresses up as Santa one Christmas and sets out to reward good little boys and girls -- and punish the naughty ones!

Luckily, he knows who they are -- He's been keeping tabs, watching all the neighborhood tots from his window.

Sure are a lot of naughty folks out there!

A tender heart-warming ending reminiscent of Art Carney's Santa Claus in the Twilight Zone.

One of the film's log lines: "Better Watch Out...  Better Not Cry...  Or You May DIE!"




Don't Open Till Christmas  (1984)


A British film with a twist! Instead of a killer Santa, this film has a psycho killing Santas!

A warm holiday theme critiquing crass commercialism as symbolized by Santa. An enjoyable film for tots of all ages!

Porno booths, sex workers, a castration, letter bombs, a spearing, and a human burning -- but all tastefully photographed to reveal no nudity!

A family friendly film!



Silent Night, Deadly Night  (1984)

A young orphan tot learns important life lessons about good and evil in a Catholic orphanage when a nun whips two sicko teens having sex. When the tot grows up, he plays Santa at a store -- then decides he IS Santa!

So he decides to reward good tots, and punish the naughty.

Film exhibits strong family values! "Santa" only hacks away at naughty teens -- and only after rendering just judgment!  With each swing of his ax, he chastises: "NAUGHTY!  NAUGHTY!  NAUGHTY!"

(Again, there sure are plenty of naughty teens out there!)


Silent Night, Deadly Night II  (1986)

First half of the film is outtakes from the previous film as the now dead "Santa's" brother relates the story to a psychiatrist. Only the juiciest, bloodiest scenes are included!

Conservatives will admire the producer's frugal spending, while liberals will appreciate the producer's recycling of film stock. This is the way to do a sequel: just reprint all the old scenes.

But wait, there's more!

After the brother relates his story, he goes on his own rampage -- and the body count mounts!  At one point, the entire camera crew is seen standing behind the actor -- but the penny-wise producer was too fiscally conservative to do a retake.

Anyway, since there's another hacking just around the corner, who's paying attention to the camera crew?

A family-friendly film about a brother's love for his fellow brother!




Silent Night, Deadly Night III: Better Watch Out!  (1989)

A mad scientist restores life to the dead Santa from the previous film -- and the body count continues!


Silent Night, Deadly Night IV: Initiation  (1990)

Sequel makes an unexpected turn to originality. No Santas -- but plenty of killer witches!

Did you know Christmas was originally a pagan holiday? Watch this educational film and learn the true origins of Christmas -- as the body count mounts!


Silent Night, Deadly Night V: The Toy Maker  (1991)

A toy maker named Joe Petto (get it?) makes killer toys. (Don't worry, there's a killer Santa too!) And don't miss Joe Petto's weirdo son!

If you loved Pinocchio, and you love Christmas, you won't want to miss this holiday treat!





Silent Night, Bloody Night  (1973, aka Night of the Dark Full Moon)


Okay, this tale of an insane asylum rebellion and the ax murderer who takes vengeance on those responsible is not really a Christmas film -- but it has a Christmasy title!

And John Carradine. And Mary Woronov. And an eerie lunatic rebellion shot in sepia tones. (Don't miss the POV shot of a patient grinding a broken glass into a doctor's eye!)

A great stocking-stuffer for eye-gouging buffs who loved Zombie, but want something more holiday-appropriate!





Silent Night, Evil Night  (1974, aka Black Christmas, Stranger in the House)

A Canadian slasher film. Killer hides in a sorority's attic and -- you guessed it! -- the body count mounts!

If you like films with Christmasy titles, you'll like this one!



Parental Advisory WARNING!

The editorial board at the Hollywood Investigator does not feel that Santa Claws  (1996, aka 'Tis the Season) is holiday appropriate! Although this movie about a Santa killing porn industry workers offers important family-friendly lessons in not being naughty -- some scenes contain borderline nudity!

Thus, this film cannot be recommended by a family paper -- such as is the Hollywood Investigator!




Mimi Brickmeyer is a Los Angeles based entertainment reporter who has extensively investigated Hollywood's biggest celebrities. Read about her adventures in tabloid journalism in Hollywood Witches.

Copyright 2001 by


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