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by Vanessa Cortez, staff writer  [December 14, 2001]





[]  Britney Spears fans are gushing adulation after their fav songbird upgraded her artistic delivery -- by amplifying her vocals with an FM radio microphone!

That's the shocking revelation revealed by the photos (see right) from Funny Free Pics, a leading international investigative photojournalist research center.

On left: Britney sings unplugged.  On right: Britney wears a mike!

Britney's technical overhaul has not gone unnoticed by discerning music fans and audiophiles -- whose gushing heartfelt applause has intensified with Britney's post-upgrade public appearances.

Britney's skyrocketing post-upgrade success is no surprise to university musicology departments -- where Britney has been long renowned for her subtly multi-textured vocal deliveries and carefully nuanced physical performances, conveying a thousand interdependent meanings in each note.

Throughout Britney's unplugged phase -- aka her "Early Acoustic Era" in university departments -- musicologists have been overwhelmed when trying to study the full range of Britney's staggering talent -- a task that has led to much controversy -- and even occasional violence.

"It is now generally conceded that during the MTV Salutes Evian Awards, Spears glanced 17 degrees south-southwest, for 0.7 of a second," stated Professor Uri Glazov, dean of musicology at Hollywood Community College, in Hollywood, Florida.  "But the controversy persists: did Spears huskify her voice for an 8th of an octave, or 3/16th?"

Professor Glazov hopes that Britney's new FM mike will lay to rest such controversies, which have polarized university musicology departments worldwide.

"Friendships have ended.  Careers destroyed.  I know of at least three divorces.  One husband, a London Philharmonic cellist, defended the Swiss School on a university listserv."

The Swiss School holds that Britney huskified her voice for 1/8th octave, then carried a deepened -- rather than huskified -- tonal vocality for the next 16th octave.

"But the wife of a violin fellow at Julliard, advocated the Bavarian-Istanbul Doctrine," continues Professor Glazov.  "When she saw her husband's internet posting, she flew into a violent rage, attacked a student, and needed to be sedated."

The Bavarian-Istanbul Doctrine is only one of thousands of controversial Britney schools of thought that have polarized musicology departments in recent years.

While embracing the notational interpretations of the Swiss School -- in opposition to the "Statement of Principles on Britney Spears's Vocalisms" issued by the Anglo-American Group -- the Bavarian-Istanbul Doctrine holds Britney's subtle octaval segue from huskiness to deepness can only be understood as her intent to convey a post-structuralist melancholy.

Glazov adds, "We hope that Spears's new FM mike will enable university departments to lay to rest some of these controversies."

Thirsting for answers, discerning audiophiles and university musicologists -- who have long been Britney's core fanbase -- reacted enthusiastically to the FM mike upgrade.  Britney's most recent concert was packed with screaming PhDs. from across the globe.

Enthused one Tokyo professor: "The third millennium has presented its Mozart -- and her name is Britney Spears!"

Professor Glazov is completing a three volume study of Britney's radical post-conceptualist experimentation in chord structure.  Glazov's papers have been published in The Oxford Journal of Britney Spears Studies, the Harvard Spears Musicological Review, and the Britney Spears Review of the University of Nairobi.

In addition to her musical achievements, Britney Spears is internationally renowned for her advanced research in semiconductor physics.  Also see this photographic history of Britney's ever-changing breasts.


Vanessa Cortez is a Los Angeles based tabloid reporter who has investigated the occult underbelly of the entertainment industry. Read more about her journalism in Hollywood Witches.

Investigator Fun Fact:


Funny Free Pics also provides this miraculous example of modern makeup!

At left: Oprah as she is.

At right: Oprah in makeup, miraculously aged for the role of an elderly bag lady in an upcoming movie.

Copyright 2001 by

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