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by Hank Willow, staff reporter  [November 12, 2001]




[]  Joe Friday has a new weapon in his arsenal against crime -- supermarket shopping bags that instruct criminals to just say no!

That's just one of the shocking new weapons LAPD Chief Bernard Parks has enlisted in his cops' crimebuster arsenal, according to an investigative report filed by a crack team of Hollywood Investigator investigative reporters.

Other weapons include bumperstickers, self-esteem promos, and toy rubber balls!

The rubber balls will be distributed by LAPD's men and women in blue to L.A.'s troubled tots and sicko punks. The crimebuster toy rubber balls -- which are blue -- have been officially designated as: "Blue Rubber Balls."

The message printed on the balls is: "Know Peace ... No Violence."

According to the LAPD's official Program Plan: "Toys such as these are continually handled, kept, shared with others, and looked at by kids and teens. The message is constantly 'played with' and visible."

But the crimebusting "Blue Rubber Balls" have powerful allies!

LAPD cops will also distribute posters -- officially designated as Posters -- bearing the message: "Know Peace ... No Violence."

Troubled tots and sicko punks will also get crimebuster bumperstickers -- officially designated as "Bumper Stickers." According to the LAPD Program Plan: "Sticker artwork will be done in the popular 'rock radio station/tagging style' and combine the anti-violence message into the graphics."

The Program Plan is part of LAPD's Stop The Violence Campaign urging moms and pops to buck up their tots' self-esteem, because proud tots don't grow up to become crooked sicko punks.

Toothy LAPD Chief Parks is also appearing on posterboards outside Vons grocery stores throughout L.A., advising moms and pops to buck up their tots' self-esteem -- part of Vons' support for LAPD's Stop The Violence Campaign.

Paper grocery bags -- official designated as Grocery Bags -- are another gutsy punch in the LAPD/Vons alliance against sicko punks (see exclusive photo at top!). According to the Program Plan: "Working in partnership with Von’s [sic] Grocery Chain, Stop the Violence Campaign messages will be printed on the sides of paper grocery bags used by the stores."

Los Angeles Councilwoman Linda Lockwood is so punch proud of the Vons sponsorship, she's made it a centerpiece of her official website listing her accomplishments.

Copyright 2001 by


Hank Willow is a Los Angeles based tabloid reporter who investigates Hollywood scams and Tinseltown's occult underbelly. Read about his adventures in tabloid journalism in Hollywood Witches.


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