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by Mimi Brickmeyer, staff writer [December
[HollywoodInvestigator.com]At this festive time of year, the editors of the Hollywood Investigator
-- America's favorite family newspaper! --
have convened a blue ribbon panel of leading film experts and movie critics
to create -- exclusively for our vastly huge
family of readers! -- this yuletide list of holiday
heart-warmers and Christmas classics!
So break out the popcorn America! -- Fire up the VCR! -- And enjoy these
cinematic stocking stuffers!
A warm, family film about
a foreman in the Jolly Dream Toy Factory who understands the true meaning
of Christmas. Understandably upset by the crass commercialism he
sees everywhere, he dresses up as Santa one Christmas and sets out to reward
good little boys and girls -- and punish the naughty ones!
Luckily, he knows who they
are -- He's been keeping tabs, watching all the neighborhood tots from
Sure are a lot of naughty folks out there!
A tender heart-warming ending
reminiscent of Art Carney's Santa Claus in the Twilight Zone.
One of the film's log lines: "Better
Watch Out... Better Not Cry... Or You May DIE!"
A young orphan tot learns
important life lessons about good and evil in a Catholic orphanage when
a nun whips two sicko teens having sex. When the tot grows up, he
plays Santa at a store -- then decides he IS Santa!
So he decides
to reward good tots, and punish the naughty.
Film exhibits strong family
values! "Santa" only hacks away at naughty teens -- and only after
rendering just judgment! With each swing of his ax, he chastises:
"NAUGHTY! NAUGHTY! NAUGHTY!"
(Again, there sure are plenty
of naughty teens out there!)
First half of the film is
outtakes from the previous film as the now dead "Santa's" brother relates
the story to a psychiatrist. Only the juiciest, bloodiest scenes
Conservatives will admire
the producer's frugal spending, while liberals will appreciate the producer's
of film stock. This is the way to do a sequel: just reprint all the
But wait, there's more!
After the brother relates
his story, he goes on his own rampage -- and the body count mounts!
At one point, the entire camera crew is seen standing behind the actor
-- but the penny-wise producer was too fiscally conservative to do a retake.
Anyway, since there's another
hacking just around the corner, who's paying attention to the camera crew?
A family-friendly film about
a brother's love for his fellow brother!
A Canadian slasher film. Killer hides in a sorority's attic and -- you guessed it! -- the body count
If you like films with Christmasy
titles, you'll like this one!
The editorial board at the
Hollywood Investigator does not feel that Santa
Claws (1996, aka 'Tis the Season)
is holiday appropriate! Although this movie about
a Santa killing porn industry workers offers important family-friendly
lessons in not being naughty -- some scenes contain borderline nudity!
Thus, this film cannot be
recommended by a family paper -- such as is the Hollywood Investigator!
Mimi Brickmeyer is a Los Angeles based entertainment reporter who has extensively investigated Hollywood's biggest celebrities. Read about her adventures in tabloid journalism in Hollywood Witches.
Copyright 2001 by HollywoodInvestigator.com
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