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by Thomas M. Sipos,
managing editor [November 10, 2018]
[HollywoodInvestigator.com]Some filmmakers
are just plain bad. Their ineptitude is indistinguishable from that
of hundreds of other no-budget filmmakers. Then there are the
uniquely bad filmmakers. They put their own personal stamp of
badness onto every project, such that their cinematic train wrecks
are unmistakably theirs alone. These are the auteurs of badness. A
pantheon that includes such legends of the uniquely awful as Ed
Wood,
Herschell Gordon Lewis,
Andy Milligan,
David "The Rock" Nelson, and yes, James Cahill. His films are
inept. But they're consistently inept. And consistently entertaining
-- and hilarious! -- in their ineptitude.
Like many true
auteurs of badness, Cahill wears many creative hats. He wrote,
directed, produced, and stars in both
Snitch'd (2003) and
Juarez, Mexico (2005). In both films Cahill cast himself as a
macho, martial arts expert, doing undercover detective work. He plays
a cop in
Snitch'd. A private eye in
Juarez, Mexico (a poor man's Bordertown,
about the many women murdered in Juarez, Mexico).
This miscasting
is one of these film's funniest aspects. Cahill is a short, skinny guy
who talks with a lisp. One might justifiably call him effete, if not
downright effeminate. Yet he insists on playing kick-ass heroes. His
detective heroes are always beating the crap out of men much taller,
broader, and well-muscled than himself.
These fight
scenes are a Cahill gem. They are so poorly choreographed as to appear
intentionally satirical, except they're not. We get the sense that
we're supposed to be taking these fights seriously, which makes them
that much more hilarious!
A Cahill
favorite is to beat a man's head against a hard surface, in quick
jack-hammer fashion. He does this in both films. But to avoid harming
the actor, Cahill "slams" the actors head down slowly -- and the head
clearly isn't making contact with the hard surface.
Many a Cahill
"victim" simple collapses after a Cahill "strike," feigning
unconsciousness in a most unconvincing fashion. I love the bar fight
in
Juarez, Mexico. Three tough guys are sitting at a table. One man
sees Cahill glaring at him, so he whispers to his companions and
runs from the bar, frightened of Cahill. Cahill approaches the
other men. One of them, a big hulking figure, is about to attack
Cahill, but the tiny Cahill simply beats him down with one blow.
Cahill then
approaches the remaining man, and lisps, "You want some of this?"
"No!"
the much bigger man begs off.
So funny to see
this tiny dude with a lisp scare the hell out of men so much bigger
than himself. And there are so many of these ridiculous fights
scenes in both films.
Of course,
these films are generous in offering other forms of badness. There's
the usual bad acting, cheap sets, inappropriate sets (a hospital "in
the middle of the Mexican desert" -- we are told -- that on the
outside looks like a California college campus), lame dialog, and
ridiculous story points.
For instance,
Cahill and his assistant tour a factory, trying to learn about a
worker who disappeared. A nearby worker (Carmen Perez), notices them,
very noticeably. The sharp-eyed Cahill notices her noticing. He and
his assistant decide to talk to this worker.
How do they go
about meeting her?
Cahill and his
assistant lurk in a dark doorway, then jump Perez as she passes by.
Cahill clamps his hand over her mouth, while his assistant tells
Perez, "Don't worry, we just want to talk!"
Huh? Couldn't
they have just approached her?
They then tell
her, by way of "explanation," that they think someone is following
her. But that hardly explains the need to jump and grab her. Cahill,
the director, is simply trying to infuse some drama or action or
suspense into the scene -- yet fails to justify it in any logical way.
It's
hard to pinpoint Cahill's ethnicity. His name is WASPY, he looks (to
me) Asian, and his films are mostly Latino themed. Yet Cahill casts
himself as white. In
Snitch'd Cahill plays a cop who goes undercover in a mostly Latino
high school. We know Cahill is supposed to be white, because when a
student calls him a Spanish name, Cahill must asks a fellow student (Eva
Longoria, before she was famous) to translate what he had just
been called.
"White boy,"
Longoria replies.
Snitch'd is even more poorly cast than is
Juarez, Mexico. Many of the actors playing high school students
look well into their twenties. The guns look like toys. And they sound
like it. When they're dropped or tossed aside, you can hear the hollow
plastic clatter on the floor.
Even so,
Snitch'd is entertaining, in a weirdly "What were they
thinking?" endearing sort of way. Cahill smirks his way through
much of the film, like he's trying to play a suave James Bond type.
You look at him and think, this inept, non-charismatic
Asian-playing-a-white-guy actually imagines he's the next Rambo/tough
guy/action hero. Especially funny are his pursed lips and staring eyes
when he sneaks around the house with his gun in "action hero" pose.
Cahill is morbidly funny!
And yes, Cahill
once again grabs a guy's head (a high school student's, this time) and
repeatedly "slams" it against a desk in what's supposed to be a quick
"jack-hammer" fashion ... only it's slow, and the victim's head
clearly isn't making contact with the table. The victim seems to just
go along with having his head banged against the desk, because
director Cahill told him to.
Also funny is
when Cahill uses martial arts to defeat some eight gun-totting
gangstas, partially with the aid of ping-pong paddles.
Then there's
the "actress" who, when she's acting "sad" and telling Cahill about
her recently deceased friend, seems to be actually smiling.
Cahill and
Longoria's "flirting" in the school library is another very funny
moment! They're supposed to be teenagers, yet their relationship
dialog sounds like two adults talking, who in turn got their lines
from bad romantic comedies.
Despite such
ineptness, I have a soft spot for amateurs who buy a camcorder and
think they can make a Hollywood style feature. Although I wonder if
Snitch'd was shot on super-8 or 16mm film. You can hear a camera
whirring in some shots. And there's a soft, shot-on-film-then-blown-up
look to it.
Like
most bad filmmakers, Cahill is an acquired taste. And perhaps he's
"growing" as a filmmaker, because his most recent film, Crush(Ed),
(2009) is a comedy. Maybe Cahill realized that, since his previous
films were unintentionally funny, perhaps his next project should be
an intentionally funny film.
The DVD
includes an interview with writer/executive producer Paul Laubach. He
admits that he'd never written a screenplay before. But his
14-year-old daughter wants to be an actress. So Laubach wrote a script
for his daughter to appear in, and then financed it!
Laubach claims
to be a real estate professional, who's made enough money in real
estate investing to risk money on
Crush(Ed). He'd already known filmmaker James Cahill for several
years, and Cahill told Laubach that if he could pay for the film
(which Laubach did), he, Cahill, would direct it.
The result is
Crush(Ed), made to make a little girl's dreams come true!
Well, that's a
common enough way to raise film financing in Hollywood. I've actually
known some men who've financed films for their daughters or mistresses
to appear in. This situation is common enough to be the basis for
another film,
Mistress.
Such showcase
films often don't turn out too well. As for
Crush(Ed), it's no masterpiece -- but it's surprisingly good for
what it is.
Crush(Ed) is about a fat man who has dating problems. He's looking
for love, with little luck.
Comically,
Crush(Ed) straddles the fence. It's part "dumb comedy," the sort
that's full of fat jokes, and food spills, and pratfalls, and sexual
innuendos, and dead pets. Yet it also aims for some witty banter. Some
of lead actor Scott Ditman's opening lines seem intended for Woody
Allen. Indeed, Ditman's hapless, unlucky-in-love character is
reminiscent of both Allen's Play
It Again, Sam and Steve Martin's The
Lonely Guy.
Naturally,
Allen's and Martin's films are far superior. But I was
entertained by
Crush(Ed). It's not a bad first writing effort. The satirical
targets are very old. Past filmmakers (e.g., Allen and Martin, and
many others) have covered this terrain before, and made many of the
same observations about love, and loneliness, and the battle of the
sexes.
Crush(Ed) is better than
Snitch'd and Juarez,
Mexico. Partially it's because Cahill is better cast in this film.
He plays a comedic stoner, rather than the serious, kick-ass, action
hero he miscast himself in, in his two earlier films.
Crush(Ed)
is a decent time-killer. It's not a first-rate, smart, witty comedy
(such as those by Allen, Martin, or Christopher
Guest). But it's actually no worse than many of the
Hollywood "dumb comedies" put out by the big studios.
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